You Name it, Papy.

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It took me a hell of courage to write. It’s not easy to hide, but it’s not easy to be out either. I still flinch at the sound of the keys jingling in the chain of any person’s hands behind the front door. I still feel the pain in my hands as I carry the groceries bags up the stairs, then all the way to the kitchen. And when it comes to salads, I still bring out the vegetables from the fridge, wash, chop, and organize them on the plate in a beautiful way. A layer of lettuce as the base, the cucumber circle coming next, followed by the tomatoes one, & finalizing the plate with the handful of sliced carrots & onion in the middle.. Never forgetting your favorite Italian sauce on top.

I was at an old book gallery couple of months ago and I remembered when you used to take me shopping for art stuff and for books. I remember reading my pieces of writings out loud to you. And I still do, hoping you’re hearing me from heaven. I now carry around the turquoise-blue crystals sebha I bought you on your last birthday… I still remember the swing you hanged for us at our old home..
Most of my nights, I recall the sound of your voice reciting Qur’an in the middle of the night before fajr.. how right you were when you said that this materialistic world means nothing..

But I miss your morning texts of how am the candle of light in your life or how am the glimpse of hope you’re holding on to.. I miss your goodnight hug.. and all the tenderness it brought to my life..
I miss our 3 hours daily daddy-daughter quality time we used to have.. I miss your theories about humanity & the world.. I wish I could tell you how I found out that most of them are true.. and I wish I could tell you about the ones I couldn’t find..

I wish I could tell you just how much you have influenced me. Just how much you have taught me. Just how much you were the most tender daddy in the world and how it always touched my heart in such a way that no one else can ever come close to. Just how the way you cared about me always made me want to be a better person. There’s so much I wish for, but most of all, despite the fact that I know how cruel & materialistic the world we live in is, I wish you were here. Sometimes, my thoughts of you are the only things that keep me going.

I have a paper on the billboard with words scrabbled upon:
“If tomorrow starts without me, And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me, I’m right here, in your heart.”

After all.. no matter people keep saying that time heals the wounds and lessens the grief, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away. I will always wake up to the moments of heartbreaking realization that you’re physically gone.. no matter how much is said or written.. it always comes down to nothing..
Please tell them, daddy.. that sadness doesn’t necessarily come in form of tears from the eyes.. because in death, there isn’t much to say.. we just hope to come to peace with sadness.. because we just grow accustomed to it.. There are a lot of things that I’ve come to realize after you left. But I promised you to fulfill your wishes. And I keep my promises.

This is for you.. for you’ve once asked me to never give up writing..

I’ve missed you my best friend..

Your Ro2ro2,

In the memory of my loving father,
Roaa Ahmed Nassar
3/4/2016

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