I recall when I asked you why do you blame winter for sadness? And I remember you saying “In winter, the wind blows and hits the leaves to fall.. sadness hits peoples’ souls same way. You, my little girl, don’t hear the sound of leaves falling and crushing under peoples’ feet as they pass.. same way you don’t hear the moaning of peoples’ hearts hit by grief.” I let go of your hand & jumped away from a puddle, laughing at your theory.. and you shared me the laugh..
As I walk alone in this freezing weather, the sun sets and colors turn white and grey. I step onto the pavement to walk aside from the snow.. Oh if u were here! To share with me as before.
Now I feel my steps. Now the sound of leaves falling and crashing reaches my ear so clear. But you are not here and I don’t think you will be any soon. The sweet melody, created by the wind’s whistle, that we used to imagine hearing, has stopped too. And the wind blew hard, the leaves fell and grief hit my heart..
You know? Since it is nature that you’ve related your theories to, as I walk now I see puddles and a paper vanishing into the water. If only we could vanish this way.. who said that vanishing is bad? You know the greatness of having a memory that has a hole pouring what’s inside it out and not try to fix the leakage? I no longer hold on to memories.. And there is no appetite to make new ones. Sometimes I want to make the memories into paper boats and let them sail.. And by time they shall dissolve into the puddles.
I used to love when snow flakes descended as they do now but damn your theories! You know? Distance feels like the taste of snow on tongue; so cold at first but maybe warm when it melts later on. You know? Crying doesn’t necessarily have to come in form of tears. I stop and scream into the emptiness; scream of a jailed laugh..
Couldn’t you promise me? To not let me wait so long.. Not let me keep hugging hope.. ?!!
I slam the door shut behind me and run to my room. Alone in my room. Never been as tired. I have a hot cup of tea; hoping it warms the frozen inside of me. Happiness? Too much? Patience patience.. I look at the pile of letters I haven’t sent. Messages are not just ink on papers. They give hope to continue holding on in life. Oh but if only you knew..!
I grab the one on top; it reads “I miss you”. You know sometimes? I cant differentiate between keeping silent or speaking so I chose to let things out but halfway through it, my voice gets lost, so my eyes become tearful. Scared to bother others, I quickly wipe them away. Sometimes it feels lonely among people.. Maybe because you once were among them. Right now my brain is tired of thinking; of calculating the years, days and hours. Would tomorrow come and be fine?
If it’s about time.. Time has passed a lot..
If it’s about the end, the end would be that all this ends.