I found a picture of us.. one that I had not seen in a while. It was of you holding me on just one of your arms. Remember daddy? when you said I was only as big as your arm.. you held me cautiously and loved me endlessly.
Remember daddy? The last time I truly saw you, I was graduating from high school.. you were so proud of me.. and I haven’t seen you since then. Remember when I used to wake you up in the middle of the night asking “may I please sleep in your hug?” And you would just take me in and make me feel warm and safe..
Do you remember the good times we had.. the sad times and the bad.. the times you stood by me when I had my silly problems, you would wipe away my tears.. and when sad & scared was all I felt, you were my knight in shinning armor..
Remember daddy all what you’ve taught me?.. you were my special Gandhi.
If I could write a million page story about your heart of gold.. I would still be unable to tell how much I miss you.
Some days I just sit and remember.. the endless night talks we used to have.. or the early 7 am ‘good morning’ tv show we used to watch while having a cup of hot tea together..
I came first on class a couple of days ago, I wished you were there when they called out my name on stage. I hope I made you proud. I feel scared sometimes; that the remaining remarkable moments in my life would pass without you..
you know daddy? sometimes I stay waiting by the phone because you said “I will call you tomorrow .”
I sit and stare.. waiting for it to ring. For you said “when you hear me,
it’ll all be gone.. all the pain & all the sorrow.”
But there I stayed or rather was left, waiting patiently alone,
wondering for how long will I stay.. beside the seemingly dead phone.
Today is new year’s eve.. On the same day every year.. I do not count the minutes to midnight to celebrate a new beginning .. rather, I add to the number of years that pass wishing nothing for the new year other than to see you again.. so there I am, I’ll seal this letter and leave it here beside the little gifts I brought you in hopes that they would reach you in some way by the morning.
I frame that picture I found and lay it down on the commode beside my bed. I look to the ceiling while I lay. I hope this is not the way it will stay..
“I have stopped looking at the stars in the night, because my life’s brightest star is no longer here. I miss you.”
Good night daddy..
your lil one.