Harsh realizations II

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Quote: “You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.”

I thought of how well I knew that feeling while I was sitting on bed trying to force myself to sleep just like every other night. Sometimes everything seems really harsh and I don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t know If I’m going to be strong enough to be on my own anymore. I am tired of having to 24 hrs withstand & remain confident. I am sick of living in a place where I have to miss my family for years, where it’s a common thing to see your friends get shot or killed or even imprisoned, where education and all aspects of life need to be changed. And no matter we try to alter things, they just don’t “radically” change.

I used to believe that ” Your mind is your garden, Your thoughts are your seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds. ” But I am tired of thinking.. I rest my head on the pillow and allow the liquid crystals to land. It’s been a while since I asked about myself. Since I did anything solely for my own sake. It’s been a long while since I smiled, purely smiled.

I sing myself a quiet lullaby to sleep. Let you all go and let the lonely in.

And as I close my eyes, I recall what I’ve read earlier that day:
“Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes you just don’t want to be comforted because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze time to pull yourself together again, and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go and time to start again. Sometimes all you can do is not think. Not wonder. Not obsess. Not imagine. Just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything works out in the end, and the more time you spend worrying about it, the longer it takes for things to end perfectly. Just the way they should.”

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