This time, I couldn’t find my pink shirt as you found yours so I wore my black one.. perhaps because black was starting to suit me more lately.
Allow me to tie your ballerina pumps for you.. don’t worry, you’ve taught me how to make a good bow out of the ribbons. Off you commence my dear.. I’ll carry your worries whilst you dance. Need not to worry, I’ve carried mine so much that I’ve grown accustomed to it. Just like ballet. Ballet has definitely messed up several parts of our bodies, but it also made it stronger and more flexible. My body has become more prone to injuries and yet I’ve always been committed to make it to the end of the dance.
It’s been years we’ve always danced together.. we were a one of a kind, harmonic, symphony.. But tonight I shall not dance. Rather, for the time being, I’ll be content to just sit, ponder and watch as you rise and fall gracefully..
I, technically, see you but, subconsciously, I don’t. My mind is probably hovering somewhere else.. I’ve got this feeling one gets when writing a letter with black ink, carving the words with unease on paper.. I recall how at a certain point I was more alive, vibrant and definitely more joyful. And how unexpectedly , you happened to pass my mind every now and then. And whenever you did, you left not a smile but a resounding laugh that lightened life’s loads. You, my dearest friend, were there in times of need.. weren’t you?
I look at you; you’re now halfway through the symphony. Some people say that a friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. I say not. Those people have never tasted what distance feels like. Damn the distance that separates us my friend!
There are things I thought of telling you but retreated. Please pardon my awkward silence. I just can’t lift myself off anymore as before.. and that’s why am failing at pulling you up at your falls. I’ve withered my dear. I am not happy being distant and am not happy being near either. Am caught somewhere in between. And hell it is being in such a hazy grey world! The question is have you ever wondered why? why am I silent.. or where has the childish soul you’ve grown accustomed to gone? have you ever thought of asking me how am I feeling? and if I answer with “fine”, you would say “fine is not a feeling.. fine is just plain fine” and repeat the question? did it ever occur to you..?
My dear, if you do not water your rose, would it survive? ..
Now that you’re nearly done and am left with no answer to my thoughts, I stand up to dance ‘en pointe’. I slowly start a ballet pirouette, turning to see my gaze at the mirrors. A gaze filled by deep-rooted sadness.
I recall when I asked you why do you blame winter for sadness? And I remember you saying “In winter, the wind blows and hits the leaves to fall.. sadness hits peoples’ souls same way. You, my little girl, don’t hear the sound of leaves falling and crushing under peoples’ feet as they pass.. same way you don’t hear the moaning of peoples’ hearts hit by grief.” I let go of your hand & jumped away from a puddle, laughing at your theory.. and you shared me the laugh..
As I walk alone in this freezing weather, the sun sets and colors turn white and grey. I step onto the pavement to walk aside from the snow.. Oh if u were here! To share with me as before.
Now I feel my steps. Now the sound of leaves falling and crashing reaches my ear so clear. But you are not here and I don’t think you will be any soon. The sweet melody, created by the wind’s whistle, that we used to imagine hearing, has stopped too. And the wind blew hard, the leaves fell and grief hit my heart..
You know? Since it is nature that you’ve related your theories to, as I walk now I see puddles and a paper vanishing into the water. If only we could vanish this way.. who said that vanishing is bad? You know the greatness of having a memory that has a hole pouring what’s inside it out and not try to fix the leakage? I no longer hold on to memories.. And there is no appetite to make new ones. Sometimes I want to make the memories into paper boats and let them sail.. And by time they shall dissolve into the puddles.
I used to love when snow flakes descended as they do now but damn your theories! You know? Distance feels like the taste of snow on tongue; so cold at first but maybe warm when it melts later on. You know? Crying doesn’t necessarily have to come in form of tears. I stop and scream into the emptiness; scream of a jailed laugh..
Couldn’t you promise me? To not let me wait so long.. Not let me keep hugging hope.. ?!!
I slam the door shut behind me and run to my room. Alone in my room. Never been as tired. I have a hot cup of tea; hoping it warms the frozen inside of me. Happiness? Too much? Patience patience.. I look at the pile of letters I haven’t sent. Messages are not just ink on papers. They give hope to continue holding on in life. Oh but if only you knew..!
I grab the one on top; it reads “I miss you”. You know sometimes? I cant differentiate between keeping silent or speaking so I chose to let things out but halfway through it, my voice gets lost, so my eyes become tearful. Scared to bother others, I quickly wipe them away. Sometimes it feels lonely among people.. Maybe because you once were among them. Right now my brain is tired of thinking; of calculating the years, days and hours. Would tomorrow come and be fine?
If it’s about time.. Time has passed a lot..
If it’s about the end, the end would be that all this ends.
I found a picture of us.. one that I had not seen in a while. It was of you holding me on just one of your arms. Remember daddy? when you said I was only as big as your arm.. you held me cautiously and loved me endlessly.
Remember daddy? The last time I truly saw you, I was graduating from high school.. you were so proud of me.. and I haven’t seen you since then. Remember when I used to wake you up in the middle of the night asking “may I please sleep in your hug?” And you would just take me in and make me feel warm and safe..
Do you remember the good times we had.. the sad times and the bad.. the times you stood by me when I had my silly problems, you would wipe away my tears.. and when sad & scared was all I felt, you were my knight in shinning armor..
Remember daddy all what you’ve taught me?.. you were my special Gandhi.
If I could write a million page story about your heart of gold.. I would still be unable to tell how much I miss you.
Some days I just sit and remember.. the endless night talks we used to have.. or the early 7 am ‘good morning’ tv show we used to watch while having a cup of hot tea together..
I came first on class a couple of days ago, I wished you were there when they called out my name on stage. I hope I made you proud. I feel scared sometimes; that the remaining remarkable moments in my life would pass without you..
you know daddy? sometimes I stay waiting by the phone because you said “I will call you tomorrow .”
I sit and stare.. waiting for it to ring. For you said “when you hear me,
it’ll all be gone.. all the pain & all the sorrow.”
But there I stayed or rather was left, waiting patiently alone,
wondering for how long will I stay.. beside the seemingly dead phone.
Today is new year’s eve.. On the same day every year.. I do not count the minutes to midnight to celebrate a new beginning .. rather, I add to the number of years that pass wishing nothing for the new year other than to see you again.. so there I am, I’ll seal this letter and leave it here beside the little gifts I brought you in hopes that they would reach you in some way by the morning.
I frame that picture I found and lay it down on the commode beside my bed. I look to the ceiling while I lay. I hope this is not the way it will stay..
“I have stopped looking at the stars in the night, because my life’s brightest star is no longer here. I miss you.”
Good night daddy..
your lil one.
I stood on the corner of the street wondering.. It suddenly occurred to me why you picked that place in particular, where we first met. I entered the cafe and automatically my eyes shifted to the very same spot.. I recalled how you left without notice back then.. oh how the years have passed !
As I approached the table, you stood up to hold back the chair for me.. a gentleman you’ve always been.
We sat in silence as Jason Marz’s ‘I won’t give up on you’ started playing.. I wore my beige loose blouse that you’ve always loved.. and you had your grey stripped chemise on.. I ordered my usual iced, light cappuccino and you your hot, dark coffee.. we were like a chocolate milk shake.. opposites attracting..
I saw the watch, the one I bought you long ago.. the watch with the golden arrows and classy brown leather wristband.. it was turning old now.. but it still found it’s place on your wrist..
“so how are you?” you asked.. I easily found words pouring out of me casually.. as if it has been only since yesterday that I didn’t see you.. and suddenly I stopped. I slowly pulled the tress of hair on my cheek to the back of my ear.. I fought the tears back.. I fathomed what it was all about.
I asked you: “say something, please?”
you replied: ” I have nothing to say”
I said: “It’s not words that I want, It’s your voice..”
I was never so daring and honest.. rare were the times when I spoke my heart out in words to you.. maybe because you always seemed to understand me without the need of words ..
I looked at you with soul searching eyes..
you finally spoke.. ” I’ve missed you.. I’ve missed you today, particularly today in the morning! I’ve missed having coffee with you.. or rather just holding my hot cup of coffee whilst you tell me about your day.. I’ve missed the lavender scent I’ve always caught while I seated you here.. how while you spoke of the last good book that you’ve read, you seemed to radiate.. I .. ”
I could see a teardrop finding its way to frolic on your cheek as you finished your sentence saying:
“I have missed you.. my Kryptonite ”
Roaa A. Nassar
Dec 28, 2014
It was past midnight. She was alone. With dark spots under the swollen eyes, a pale face, and an injured heart she stood.. facing what she thought might be the gate to freedom. She took a step forward towards what she now believes is NeverLand. She felt sick. She took one more step forward and took grip on the handrail in front of her. She held it tight and started climbing till she adjusted and balanced herself to sit on that very thin line of iron. She sat there staring at nothing exactly. A step towards freedom she thought. Only it was the wrong route to the Never Land she wanted. Not really knowing why, she slowly retreated .. step by step backward till she fell on the cold floor.
It was a silent night and the street downward was filled with moonlight.
Lying where she was, she heard a soft sound..
that was nothing more than the tears of a cloud,
touching the earth smoothly and sharing their light breeze softly.
The clicks of the drops and the whistle of the wind seemed to her like two angels whispering..
She listened humming silently..
She wished she was stronger and tougher, not as weak as the leaf that couldn’t handle the morning dew..
She thought of Amber Morley’s words; sometimes all she wanted was the days to pass so she could live in a house filled with her books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of her family and friends. And when she leaves the house, she will be going to a job she loves, and she’ll return to a person she loves.
She looked up and saw the only remaining sticky note hanging on the wall facing her; “When exactly we go from kids to people, she was not certain. It isn’t about turning a certain age or graduating from high school – it happens when we’re not paying attention. Without our knowledge or consent, childhood slips away into the night and our innocence escapes us and we wake up one morning to find that we have become who we are.”
A rush of cold air suddenly crept in, caressing her neck and pushing a couple of tufts of her hair to brush against her cheeks. Gracefully, she tucked them behind her ear, took a breath and turned..
Soon it was breaking dawn and slowly the sun rose..
Roaa A. Nassar
Oct 8, 2014
It was the 24th of August. Usually the weather at this time was not so pleasant but today was different. I made a cup of German Himbeere tea and sat at my favorite spot by the balcony. I could feel the cup too hot on my hands and the cool breeze moving my hair back and forth beside my cheeks. I sat starring at the sky just like every night. 24th was special. I grabbed a paper & pen and started..
” I entered the room where everyone stood waiting for the day to start. The room was dull and monstrous. The walls were dark and grey, the ceiling was extremely high and the floor was rough and hideous. It felt like it was a deserted place. There was a lot of people. People who stood holding papers, people who were chatting and others who stood starring at nothing. I scanned everyone for a couple of minutes. It was like I was searching for myself. I suddenly felt out of place. I kept looking and searching and looking again.. and then I saw her.. She was there at the very corner, standing gracefully with a calm smile. I approached slowly wondering why would a princess like her be there. A significant aura surrounded her.. one could sense the sweet smell of lavender meters away.. she looked at me and smiled. I smiled instantly. She was a joy-radiating creature. By now, I was there beside her.. and then we talked. And this was it..
Days passed, then months, then years.. And I could still sense the sweet smell of friendship every time she is around. She is a princess by all means. A princess of trust, loyalty and gracefulness.. she is beautiful inside-out. I found in her my very own self that I once stood searching for on my first day in this place. She defined respect and poise.. Just the thought of her would make anyone in her kingdom smile.. She always stood by her people’s side and gave kindness probably was more than she took.. Such an adorable princess she was and shall always remain..
It was the 24th of August when she blessed this world. And that’s why it shall always be a special day. So today, let us all wear our fancy dresses and suits and share with her the joy of such a day. Dear Princess, today we crown you and celebrate the day you blessed our world..
Long live the Princess.. ”
I stopped writing, folded the paper and sealed the letter. Then at the front, I signed it. I put it down and noticed my cup of tea at the table. It was too cold by now. I took a sip of it and smiled from my heart tearfully. Life has been too harsh on me lately if not always. And yet I truly smiled today for our princess.. No wonder she is a joy-radiating person!
—- This piece is dedicated to the one of a kind Nermin. Glückliche 21 Geburtstag zu Ihnen
Faster than the fastest shutter speed, it hit me!
suddenly I felt ‘gravity’..
all I felt was the earth holding me in place
My eyes were wide open, no tears.
The news struck my heart
again no single tear yet, even no fears
I felt I was on the verge of losing grip on reality
I looked at all those around me consoling each other
I couldn’t bare it, so I started walking to what seemed to me like eternity..
I hastened into my room and stood to take my breath, scared to fall..
shutting the door, I shut all the sounds I could possible hear
I went up to were the photo frames were hung up on the wall..
I stood so close, so near
They’ve been there since forever..
I strongly fought a falling tear..
I never imagined one day she’d leave, never!
I felt my heart beat, it signaled misery and sorrow
only one thought conquered my mind :
“with you gone, how will there ever be a better tomorrow?”
It wasn’t what I saw that stopped me
It was what I didn’t see..
She now reached to where I pray to be
She now reached heaven.. She now reached home
And so my mind ends my “thought to be poem”
I put down the photographs off the wall..
because once and for all..
I shed the last tear.